The following is an interview conducted between The Opiate Books’ Anton Bonnici and the publishing house’s star author, Tate Carmichael, who released Lindsay Lohan Stole My Life earlier this year. Although it’s not always easy to pin the (ex-)socialite down, she was able to make time in her busy roster of prison activities to speak with Mr. Bonnici, a lowly plebe not worthy of a single second spent in her presence.
AB: Hello Tate, nice to have you with us for this interview.
TC: Yeah, well, to quote a certain movie, “There’s nothing to do when you’re locked in a vacancy.” Might as well do this. Plus, you seem fuckable. But then, I haven’t had much access to men lately.
AB: I see… Um, let’s just dive right in then. Given your status and reputation, no one has ever thought of you as a “writer,” and yet, here you are publishing this quite accomplished memoir without the help of a ghostwriter even. Since when have you had “the writing bug”? Has this been a hidden talent all your life?
TC: You read a few books now and again while you’re on a private jet and I guess you can pick up some tricks. Not that hard to come across as “intelligent” in this climate. Which is a lot of what my memoir addresses. In addition to having to dumb myself down to fit in. And I’m not talking about the way Paris thinks she had to dumb herself down, okay?
AB: In your book, you give us the insider view on celebrity scandals that have already made a splash in the media a couple of decades ago, and yet, you have always been the outsider to this group of elites. How does it feel to be left out of the pop culture history books, until now?
TC: If you read my book, you know it obviously feels like shit. It’s infuriating. But the culture we live in rewards mediocre trash, so I don’t know why I expected anything different. Even now. In fact, it’s worse now.
AB: This might be too blunt, but the question is begging to be asked—why Lindsay? Of all celebrities out there, why her specifically?
TC: Because who is Lindsay Lohan if not the pinnacle of mediocrity? Yet she was still heralded as a “star.” A “teen queen”—once upon a time. Always given chance after chance to prove her “worth” and show us again and again that there’s no there there. But it never mattered; she made a career, instead, out of being a failure. As a lot of people have.
AB: Though your book changes locations more than a Bond movie, its heart remains in L.A., Hollywood. Is the L.A. you talk about in your memoir still there today or has it become something else?
TC: Yeah, of course it’s something else. But it still maintains its integrity far more than New York, which is like one giant series of Starbucks and banks at this point. It’s not as though 00s-era Ivar or Hyde or Les Deux will ever be recreated, but L.A. still prizes the same things it always did: beautiful people, money, VIP-type exclusivity and fame. It’s never hidden behind the faux “elevated intellect” that other cities—especially New York—has. I think only Eve Babitz got that.
AB: You also have a lot to say about Europe in your book as well, having had some misadventures in both Italy and the UK. Is the Europe vs. U.S. divide still relevant or are we all, indeed, living in America?
TC: Um, no. Thank fucking God (I guess), we are not. I can still get away with so much more in Europe than I can here. Even though I’ll still risk being seen as uncouth while doing it. But whatever, you can never really be uncouth if you have enough money to back up your “barbaric” actions. Anyway, going back to Eve Babitz, I’ll refer to her for my take on L.A. (which is the extent of the U.S. for me) vs. Europe by saying, “Except for Rome, I thought Europe was nowhere compared with L.A. Everywhere I went, everyone I met was in awe of California and dying to go to Hollywood. Not a single one wanted to go to New York.” I feel the same. And always end up feeling that way every time I try to “escape” to Europe (I don’t bother with New York anymore). I imagine Bret Easton Ellis probably does too.
AB: In your book, you seem to be indicating how today’s celebrities are no longer worthy of respect in comparison to those of past generations. What made the previous generations so venerable then?
TC: They had some fucking dignity, for a start. A dignity that can only come with your every move not being potentially documented and then used against you at a later date. There was a clearly-defined barrier between civilian and star that has been completely eradicated with this whole “democratization” via social media bullshit. Being an “influencer” is not the same as being a star. And now that everyone’s in service of a corporation paying them to be shills, there is absolutely no dignity whatsoever.
AB: Speaking of dignity, you also don’t seem too squeamish about detailing your various sexual exploits—is this also a jibe at the current generation’s more sanitized sex life?
TC: Not intentionally, but I don’t mind it being seen that way. At the rate things are going, we’re all gonna have our genitalia detached at birth and implanted with something the state can somehow use to generate more tax money. I guess I shouldn’t have said “we’re all” gonna have it, because, as usual, only poor people—that means pretty much everyone who isn’t at the Bernard Arnault level—will have to be at the mercy of such callous decisions.
AB: Did you really sleep with Bill Murray?
TC: Unfortunately, yes. He had wrinkly balls then, so I can’t even imagine what that whole thing must look like now. Oh fuck, I just imagined it.
AB: Anyway… If you had to pick any other celebrity that deserves our disrespect as much as Lindsay Lohan, who would it be?
TC: Kim Kuntdashian, duh. My whole book sets up how someone like her was even allowed to be so “venerated” at present. All she does is walk around looking like a Blackfishing chicken. I feel like Amber in Clueless asking, “Hello, am I the only one who thought it reeked?” And yes, Kim K fucking reeks in every sense of the word.
AB: What about actual respect though? Anyone today who still deserves to be followed and maybe even heard?
TC: You know the answer to that (points to herself as she leans forward and presses her chest against the glass).
AB: Hard question now—
TC: I love things that are hard.
AB (breathing heavily): …some are saying that you’re just spewing lies about these celebrities out of envy, and that none of these people—Paris Hilton, Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan herself—remember you as ever being in their midst. Do you think they actually have good reason to silence you or are you maybe threading the fact versus fiction divide too brashly here?
TC: Are you maybe in need of a cold shower and a good plastic surgeon? I’m not even going to legitimize such an offensive question with a reply. Moving on.
AB: Okay then. Throughout the memoir there’s a lot of commentary about the cultural shifts happening in the entertainment industries, especially with regards to the rise of woke and cancel culture. Have any of these cultural changes affected you directly? Do you feel obliged to engage with any of these more recent narratives?
TC: I was getting “cancelled” well before you could be at the mere drop of a racial slur. Something Paris knows all about, by the way. So no, I don’t think it has affected me. I’m so accustomed to being despised and constantly written off that I’ve only come back more immune to these flaccid cries of outrage.
AB: One more question—what’s next for Tate Carmichael?
TC: Depends on if you got a rubber on you or not.
*This interview was not edited for length and clarity.