“…Yep.” by Malik Crumpler

I need a vacation from my mind. I’m too old to still be so hard on myself. When I was a young woman I didn’t give a shit, no regrets… Maybe I’m still young. No I ain’t. Did I ever enjoy being a child? Nope. And it wasn’t like any horrible shit happened to me, I was just always in a rush to grow up. Been grown some time now and… Damn… I can’t wait to get old enough to forget it all. Maybe I just need to forgive myself. It’s all shame these days. Yep, that’s all it really is… Or is it women? There’s been women. There’s been men. Hard nights and long days. Too many clichés. I should have… I shouldn’t have… I hate my regrets. Apparently they hate me. Why can’t I just get over it and get it together? This morning at the coffee shop I was just sitting and watching folks and really wondering…  Wondering how they keep it all together? They just look like they got it so damn together. Nice clothes, nice hair, heads up, smiling to themselves, confident, sipping coffee and phone scrolling. They ain’t smoking. They ain’t got nothing to smoke about. Ain’t on the verge of falling out and hollering, “Save me from my mind.” They alright. I’m… I’m all mistakes. I always feel like it ain’t much left I can make. But then I make more. Ain’t that nothing. Ain’t much more I can take, but then I’m always taking more than I give. I give no fucks for this pity party, but I can’t stop it. It stops me. At least I don’t have kids. Nope, no kids for me. I won’t be passing this on. Never made that mistake. Mistake? Didn’t nobody want my kids. Maybe somebody did. But we didn’t have ‘em. Not a single one. I been careful in that way… Enough. Damn my memory. Just can’t get over myself… I need a time machine. How ain’t nobody never built a time machine? If I had one, I’d be alright, maybe even better. Better at what? I just want to lay down and stare at my eyelids. I don’t want to see nothing else. I’ve seen it all, you know what I mean? It’s that Bjork song… …   … …   … I’ve seen it all and it’s not much to see

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3 Comments

  1. I feel that way at the moment. Well done on catching a feeling in a few words

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  2. shame is the last stage before brilliance. Sit in it’s filth until you can’t stand the wretched smell, then place that Shame in your mouth, under your tongue, and savor it, love it, all the ugliness that is you. Then, and only then, will you rise into phoenix, and accept the god you have always been, and your pattern is broken. And all that ugliness becomes the chisel for your character. No regrets, only understanding and progression. Then get over yourself, you have a gift, get to work. Laugh and love and then die. It’s quite simple, life.

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