(Things I don’t understand which I have no excuse for not understanding because Google) Or: Reasons I can’t leave New York by Craig Kite

Poisoned water. Poisoned water is everywhere and it gets worse than Flint if you go past the Catskills. The Catskills are a saint. I don’t even pray but I bug them for protection. They stand there cascading sparkling safety into fugazi wooden tanks that dot advantaged Manhattan roofs, which I savor taking for granted.

I’m pansexual but I don’t think your tractor is sexy. I don’t understand camouflage hats or what people are hiding from. I grew up in southern Maryland where people are kindhearted and hateful but don’t know it. Some are proud of heritage without knowing history and some who can afford knowledge lose pride in exchange. I’m a sapiosexual and wish America would put Tomi Lauren on mute. But I’m afraid I’d find her sexy then and also censorship is dumb. I don’t understand red trucker hats or what time they are referring to when I was supposedly great. I’ve always been average in that I have large hands but also fairly small feet.

NAFTA. I’m afraid of angry small towns because of NAFTA. I don’t understand why my toilet paper sucks and I blame Obama because TPP. I don’t understand the TPP. I don’t think anybody really does. Nobody’s even seen it. Everybody thought that on the morning of November 10th, 2016 millions of little girls across America would wake up and know that they could be president one day but instead Craig Kite woke up and thought, “Well if this fuck can get elected I can…”

A Craig Kite walks into a bar
And screams about neoliberalism
Just like he’s been doing for years
Apparently
It would have worked better
If he had worn a red trucker hat

Pheromones. I don’t understand pheromones or anything else about the mechanics of germs. I’m pretty sure I’ll catch something if I touch down in a flyover state. That’s what telephones are for. I don’t understand Telephones or How things happen when I push buttons. Or how to not shrink sweaters. I need to be able to walk to a laundromat. I don’t understand car culture.
Or the real name of the dad in Honey I Shrunk The Kids. The one with big glasses. I prefer Home Alone 2. I get nostalgic when I watch it on Christmas. Donald Trump was in that movie. That’s fucking insane. I don’t understand why NATO is really important. Or who founded ISIS. Or what ISIS IS. And what is Aleppo?? I smoke a lot of weed. I think I’ll try to be a libertarian.

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